People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy. I just
need an stm to give me a deadline.

My moral obligation is fulfilled, I can finally chill

In the last few years, I thought that the purpose of life was to dedicate myself to Effective Altruism activities. I believed that it was important to have a large impact, and in order to do so, I needed to be really good at what I was doing. Everything else, such as girls, parents, needs, friends, and even motivation, injuries, and mental health, could wait. The Purpose dictated everything.

Purpose is important. Purpose is all. --- Zed (Swat Kats)

However, I was never able to consistently work 12-hour days (8 hours of work and 4 hours of skill-building). If I did, it was only for a few short weeks/days. Every time I tried, it was a struggle to find my motivation. Every time I failed, I blamed myself for not having the infinite motivation that the greats in EA seemed to have. I blamed myself for not being able to suck it up and just get the job done (“people are dying Mr. Wayne”).

Last year, I realized (with the help of an STM) that I am human (not a robot) and that I don’t have infinite motivation. And I shouldn’t blame myself for it and that I shouldn’t feel guilty forever. More importantly, I learned about my moral obligation and when it is fulfilled. An essay about it can be found here, but the basic summary is that if you donate 10%, it is enough. You don’t have to do more or less. If there is no clear point to stop, such as the 10%, then where do you stop? And thus ended that guilt cycle.

I lost my one guidance engine that helps me make decisions

Although a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders, now I have other problems. I don’t know what to do? What is going to guide me in what I need to do? Should I go to the US? I don’t know. Should I stay in the Netherlands perhaps? I don’t know.

In the past, all of my actions were guided by the goal of “maximizing impact for EA”, which meant “increasing my skills like a mad man”. More skills implied more impact.

Now that I don’t need to “maximize impact for EA” by “grinding for hours on end to become better”, I don’t know what to do with my life.

How do I make decisions? What do I do? There is no purpose anymore.

Worst part is I still feel miserable

I still feel like shit. Previously, I felt like shit for not being able to meet my targets in my EA-fanatic days. And now, I still feel like shit what ever I do.

I have been increasing my social interactions, trying and failing to be funny everytime. Considered dating, got rejected by a few girls. Trying to do things out of my comfort zone and it gives me a lot of anxiety. Often I worry about old age and how I am going to manage. For lack of a better thing to do I have been applying to universities in the US for DS. I am working hard in my new job to prove myself, only to get remarks like “you are going to drive this next year at least right?”.

It’s fucking exhausting and all for what? I also somehow got some weird stomach infection and combined with anxiety is making my life hell in certain situations.

Not to mention my injuries. I poured my heart and soul in bouldering (a real fun sport) and got injured in multiple areas. Lol. Like can a guy catch a break?

The answer lies in what I/people enjoy probably?

Maybe I need to do certain activities that give me pleasure. Giving 10% is fine but I don’t enjoy it though. I feel nothing when I press the donate button and transfer money.

I very much enjoy activities like climbing, going to the gym, playing basketball, hanging out with friends, listening to his holiness the great Conan O’Brien’s Podcast etc. I sometimes don’t want to leave the climbing gym even after 2 hrs. Which I think is great. But I still feel miserable, during the rest of the time.

Everyone seems to be enjoying with their girlfriends. I can’t keep a straight face and say that I can stay away from women. I crave them and I am literally persuaded every moment of the day to pursue them. Maybe I should try PUA again?

The answer lies in his holiness SCIENCE

The (great) Martin Seligman in his ted talk from almost 20 years back says that there are three types of happiness:

(side-note: About 10 years back I wrote about this in another blog. It’s a pity that it took me the entirety of this year, plus an stm pushing me, before I got back to it and dived into it)

  1. increasing positive affectivity (aka increasing happiness by enjoying life in the hollywood sense)

    These are things like being social, being in a romantic relationship, giggling with friends, eating tasty food etc. They increase the positive emotion and this is what we usually call happiness (“in the hollywood sense”).

    We can also design a day to increase positive affectivity. Keanu reeves describes a “beautifully designed day”, “Morning sex, breakfast, motorcycle ride, swim, have more sex, eat some more, hang out a little bit, read a book, go see a movie, have more sex, go to a bar, drink a few drinks, come back home, have more sex. That’s a pretty good day”

    We can also learn skills to savor them longer and obtain as many of these pleasures as we can.

    But the caveat though is painful to hear. How well you are able to have or maintain high positive affectivity is heritable. It habituates (the same activity doesn’t give as much pleasure anymore) and is not “really malleable” (you can’t really change yourself “too much” in this space). :(

    And I think the worst part is that it depends on others. Others around you can really bring down your positive affectivity.

    Time and again I have felt like shit because X rejected me or X was not interested in talking to me etc. All the while X didn’t feel much decrease in his/her positive affectivity. There has been so much drama in the recent days and I have been rightfully punished for investing in this type of happiness. It was never meant to work all by its lonesome.

  2. Meaning

    As Martin Seligman points out this is the most traditionally venerable happiness. You basically take your strengths and use them in the service of something larger than you.

    As an example, I think of several EAs who just spend a lot of their time and use all their strengths towards helping humanity. They somehow “enjoy” working and solving problems for society

    I would note that this doesn’t involve people who simply donate money to a cause. I mean I feel absolutely nothing everytime I donate online to a GiveWell fund.

  3. Flow

    The most talked about, the most sought after, the OG, the king: FLOW.

    This type of happiness is described as time stopping for you. You are completely focused. Your problems vanish in the background. You very well know you are capable of doing the task. Doing the task is its own motivation. Examples include working, parenting, being in love, composing music etc.

    I think I have felt flow plenty of times. I remember times when I used to play basketball for 3 hrs straight and still had energy to go. I just can’t believe I spent 3 hrs. Time just flew by. My problems vanished. It was just the ball and an intense game to play, everything else went to hell.

    Here again, like with meaning based happiness, it’s about using your highest strengths and designing your life around them. To be in a flow state you need to be working on a challenging task while your skills are sufficiently high and match the challenge. If either skill or challenge are not high enough, then you end up in several other states that are not flow (e.g., apathy, boredom etc.). So beware. More is discussed in this ted talk by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.

Conclusion

Just until yesterday I swore by positive affectivities. It’s surprising what an essay can do to you. And it’s just beautiful how science came to the rescue.

I am now of the staunch belief that working on increasing positive affectivity is probably very bad. I feel you will always be at the mercy of others. Not to mention, it comes with mad caveats. At best you can have it now and then. It cannot be the sole purpose of your existence (unless you want to be unhappy).

I remember worrying about old age since last year. Ippovey ivlo mokkaya irundhal wtf will I be doing when I am old? For the first time in a while I see hope, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I think the answer to all my questions is to use technology, entertainment and design to create His-Holiness-The-Great-Professor-Doctor-Flow.

Final words

I have yet to uncover many more things. I fully don’t understand what are the characteristics of each of the types of happiness. How to get in that state of flow and meaning? And how to sustain it? Words like love and relationship seem to be thrown in both positive affectivity as well as meaning, which is it?

I note that the definitions are not fully concrete. There are many things to iron out. But I do see some serious breakthroughs for myself. (This is not a tap on my back. It’s a tap of the back of writing, deadlines and some batmen). I am actually insanely happy an STM pushed me to dive in. My friend thalaivar teacher fellow-rationalite etc., always comes in to save Gautam. Yen essay key ipdi na feel panrain, en thalaivan essay epdi iruka porudho! Inshaller. Eagerly awaiting.